Receiving

I recently taught a yoga class where I asked my students to explore their own yoga pose; to allow their bodies to speak their needs and to follow that guidance. Once they found their pose I asked if they could give their full awareness and presence to the pose so they could be open to the gifts that were present for them. Then I asked:

Can you RECEIVE these gifts?

It's one thing to notice the presence of gifts being offered whether it is being offered to you by someone else or whether something like nature or a simple yoga pose is offering the gift.

But CAN you receive?

Do you know you are important enough to receive the gifts?

What does it feel like to receive?

When someone gives you a compliment, do you allow yourself to receive it or to you bounce it off of you by shrugging it off with some comment like "Oh thanks so do you!" or "Oh this dress is so old" "Oh anyone can do it it's no big deal" etc. etc. etc ?

In bouncing off the compliment (gift) you turned back into the giver so ultimately you never received at all. In giving you maintain control because you get to decide and manage how much goes out of your floodgates. But what about when we open those gates fully to just receive? There is no control in how much comes to you. And odds are it might be more than you were prepared for or felt you deserved.

Are you love-able....enough?

How do you receive emotional support from others? Think of those times in your life when you felt emotionally raw and vulnerable. Were you able to receive support from those you love most? Did you even expose yourself completely and honestly so your loved ones could give you the full support you needed or did you downplay your emotions? Were you controlling how wide your gates opened?

How do you begin to receive? How do you begin to take yourself out of the driver's seat of giving, reliquish that control and allow the gifts to flood in to support you?

You deserve all those gifts that are just waiting for you to open the door to them....

......to pause......

..... and to just say "Thank You."

Gather the courage to open the gates. Open your heart....to your Self.

The gifts may feel uncomfortable at first. The rush of the flood may feel overwhelming...maybe even heart-stopping. Your chest may tighten and breath may come short. Your urge may be to react in an act of preservation to control what is coming to you.

Start small. Allow little bits in until you find a sense of acceptance that these gifts are here for YOU to receive. Bring yourself into conscious awareness of when these gifts are presented to you. Notice what comes up for you in your body, your mind, your emotions, your energy.

PAUSE.

TAKE A BREATH.

MAKE A NEW CHOICE.

Open the flood gates.

Take a step back.

Open your heart.

And RECEIVE.

Riding the waves

it's not okay anymore

to sway back and forth

according to someone else's tide.

i've been drifting away for far too long.

those moments where i thought i was anchored~

futile attempts at acceptance~

where the water was like glass and i felt like i was still

but i was still adrift.

a storm comes and i roll with it.

i topple over.

i drown.

i gasp for air

and grasp for light.

i return to the surface only to get pushed down again

this isn't my ride.

i feel despair in myself when i can't keep my head above their waters

my legs kick as if my life depends on it

why is this not enough?

i'm tired of pretending to be responsible for another's emotional experience.

to join in on the tossling of their energies

and to think for a second that it's somehow mine too

an arrogant thought that perhaps my presence alone can take on some of the brutish ways of their waves

that in this action i provide a drop of relief in their sea of unsettling.

it's time for me to dive below the surface of the waves coming at me from this way and that

move deep enough to gain a sense of my own surface of glass

where other's waves dissipate into small ripples that eventually fade before finding their way to my center

it's time i let go of my need to endure another's rocky waters

and find acceptance with the me who isn't sinking under another's view of me

it's time i release the need to feel like i am only valuable when i am swimming for my life in another's storm

other's waves may try to come and find me

and i will fight like hell to not be swept out to their sea

i sense some angry storms from those who relied on me to be there

to take on their energy surges

i'm diving deep into myself and will learn to find my worth there in that place

it feels lonely and unacknowledged by vast seas that are searching for me

but i am hiding from them now

and finding myself

and this is enough.

i thought it was under control

all pushed down for no one to see

not even me

a delicate plan to not care

an intricate strategy to stay on course.

today an earthquake ripped through the center of my soul.

a crevice so vast I feared it's edges.

i was standing far enough away but I had no idea of what was to come

what felt like a slight shake slowly built...and built...

i thought i had it all under control

without warning

the crevice opened as if it were looking for me..to swallow me whole.

i was found.

i slipped.

clawing at the edges that i once feared and praying they would save me now

i fell.

something tore me apart that night.

unable to withstand my delicate plan, my soul shook under the pressure

and the weight of it all revealed the truth

down in my dark abyss

i fell.

along the way

i cried.

moving through a backwards timeline i relived the truth

and i saw with tear filled eyes.

a trembling in my bones led me to the beginning.

a house.

a window.

a connection to a soul who wandered away.

realizing where the tremors began so long ago

i cried.

five.

that's when i lost him.

my switch flipped

i turned off.

waiting at the window for him to come again

i remained.

off.

untying the ribbons that bound our souls

i moved with gratitude.

and cried with sadness.

climbing through the darkness

i spin.

off my axis.

my delicate plan has lost its gravitational pull

and i wonder where am i going?