Do-Over.

If I could do it all over again, I would have nourished myself more. I wouldn't have worried so much about what others thought of me or if what I was doing would help me to fit in more. I would have paid attention to what makes me happy and continued to seek those things without letting dramas get in the way of my own needs. I would have stopped letting my persona drive the boat. I would have taken care of myself from the inside out without wondering who was watching or who I could impress. I would have stopped comparing myself to others a long time ago and let myself just....enjoy myself. I would have identified all those little things that made me smile and made them sacred and not disposable for anyone. I would have slowed down and not be so quick to get my next high by throwing my reality into chaos. I would have made more calculated moves and not just acted on my feeling states...which always proved to be unreliable. I would have loved my body enough to take the time to really care for it. I would have put more value into those things that took time to cultivate and learned what it felt like to move through a process that didn't always produce immediate rewards instead of just quiting when things didn't come easily. I would have made a pact with myself that quality is more important than quantity and to live strictly by those terms. I would have treated myself better instead of putting everyone else first. I would have made my spiritual relationship with the universe higher than any other relationship in my life. I would have let go of other's judgements about me and therefore let go of judging others. I would have stopped waiting for permission to have fun. I would have made sure my time alone was treasured time instead of dreaded time.

All in all, I would have made sure I practiced being happy and content every day to ensure I would arrive there in the future.

"There's an expression in the physical environment that you use to entertain each other. (it doesn't serve you very well) that says, "I worry that I'll go down to the dock, and that my ship will have already come and gone. I'll miss my boat." And we say, another boat, another boat, another boat. You have no idea how many boats are coming to your dock. It's a steady stream, and it doesn't matter how many of them you've missed. The only thing that matters is what are you doing right now in your vibration? And you can tell what you're doing right now in your vibration by the way you feel."

--- Abraham

My Girl.

I remember the day i knew i needed you. I was camping. Out of the blue, I knew I needed to find you. I went home and I looked for you. A needle in a haystack. I showed up. I was told of your story. You came into this world tragically and miraculously. Your mom was sick while she was pregnant with you and your siblings. Someone found her on the brink of death. She was nursed back to health to have her babies. They all died except for you. You hung on...for me. You knew I would come find you. You spent your first 3 months in a room by yourself with your caretaker nursing you back to health. It's no coincidence that you were pure white. Angelic. Pure. And beautiful. I wanted a kitten that purred. The others didnt purr. You did. That was your selling point. I took you home. The first night you purred so loud in my ear that I couldnt sleep all night. Instead of loving you I tried to give you back fearing I was too impulsive in taking you home. I was told to wait the weekend out. I did. I tried to not bond with you. Convinced I would return you. But the moment you cuddled up to me while I watched a movie, I knew we were partners to the end. I remember shortly thereafter, i felt your saddness. You missed the woman who cared for you for those first few months....your "mom". Listening to you, and questioning if I was crazy in doing this, I wrote her a letter...from you. A letter of gratitude that you needed to make sure she received. That's the kind of Girl you were. I sent it. I never felt that saddness again...you let go and we moved forward. The original name I gave you never stuck. You never listened. You didn't like it. So Girl you became. Among many other names that evolved over time. I think you liked it that way.....you felt special. I remember when you brought a bird in the house. Tiki knew you were in trouble and he totally ratted you out. You never liked being in trouble and did everything in your power to keep everyone around you happy. And you did. What I remember most about you was your innate desire to be outside communing with nature...even if dogs did chase you up trees. You would come inside with oil stains all over the top of your back and dirty paws. You had a lot of baths that you never enjoyed. But you still went back out and got dirty again...because it was your joy. You were so fearless in your pure white coat and sweet demeanor. Oh you were so sweet. You would never hurt a fly. I remember the day my life took a turn, a major relationship was going to end that day. I didn't know it. But you did. I woke up to you laying on my heart...your purr resonating through my chest....preparing my heart chakra....letting me know i was going to be okay. You were a little healer. I remember the aftermath. Days upon days...years of finding myself again. You were there every day...reminding me with that purr that i wasn't alone. Your unconditional love kept my spirit alive even if i did just have to dive into your belly and cry. You never faltered. I can still hear your chirps and meows and your purr. Oh how i miss your purr. When I was pregnant, I knew how excited you were to be a little mama. But I think we both knew a storm was coming. I tried to stop it. I would wake in the middle of the night with massive anxiety about you. I would hear the coyotes outside and I would hate them...not knowing why. Our last year was hard on you and I. You always showed up and I tried as best I could to be the other half of the US that we used to be. I failed miserably. Our last day was so stressful and I wasn't there for you like I wanted to be. But you were there. Of course you were. You were my Girl. I woke up to you laying next to me. I remember. I hope you know that. I found you a good home. It was the least I could do. I don't know how, but in the last second, I manifested a home that I knew you would be okay in. I wish I would have spent more time with you...saying goodbye. With all the years between us, it was the least I could have done. But I didnt. It was too hard to say goodbye. So I shut you out and trusted that you would have good years ahead of you. You had 6 more months. I thought about you often. My feet would search for you at the foot of the bed every night. My heart would ache knowing you werent there. I just thought I would see you again....that I would have you back. I was in denial. I found out what happened to you. A wave of emotions struck me and it was hard to go on. I questioned if I could. But then someone said something profound and I knew it was you speaking to me when i was told "This was the only way Girl knew how to be close to you." You and I...to the end. You are so vivid to me now. Like I could just reach out and touch you. Looking back, I am Awakened now...because of you. I struggled with how you left....but I know you wouldnt have had it any other way...fearless and always giving of yourself. I hope you have found your cat mama whereever you are....and your brothers and sisters. You deserved to go home....I just wish it wasn't so soon. When I think back to our time together, I remember always feeling a sense of panic and anxiety over you...like there was this part of you that I was always trying to reign in...and you just wanted to go go go....go where?....home perhaps. You stayed because of me. I wouldn't have survived those years without you. When I realized I would never see you again, it was then that i knew it wasn't you who needed me...it was me who needed you. It's really hard to imagine that your little pink paws aren't frolicking on this earth anymore. I know Mother Earth bowed down to you when you passed.....bowed down in gratitude for being the best little being there ever was. It makes me sad to think that I am one of the only ones holding your memories. I don't want your memory to die too. And I wont let it. You have given me an intention to serve your community...to serve the very place that saved you for me. I planted a garden in honor of you and it's growing beautifully...as you are. You will be a regular character in our goodnight stories.....our fairy Girl frolicking frolicking frolicking with beautiful wings so you can fly fly fly and chase your butterflies....our fairy Girl...who sleeps on our chests and heals our hearts. I pray with all my being that I get to see you again...nuzzle my face in your fur. You are on your journey now. I know you are destined for an even greater experience. Up Up Up you will keep going Up. High High High. High in the sky you go. Thank you Girl for the best love and the best purr ever known. It was such an honor to walk this earth with you my friend. Love Love Love....

In honor of you ....Lady Tady. Ms. Lou Who. Girl....

Prreeeetttttyyyy Giiiirrrllll. My prreetttttyyyy Giirrrrlllllll. Yoooouuuurrr the ppreettiiest giirll in the woooooorrrlllddd. mmyyy preeetttyyyyy giiirrrrllll.

A Note From The Universe

"Do you know why dogs are so quick to wag their tails and cats are so quick to purr? Even the ones that have been lonely, abused, and betrayed?

Because, as is true of all animals, they were instilled with the distant awareness that no matter what the world shows them, they're still deeply loved and needed, that their presence alone has made a difference, and that in just the shake of a leg, seemingly without reason or rhyme, everything can FANTASTICALLY change for the better.

As is true of all people, except sometimes they tend to forget.

Purrfectly,
The Universe"

www.tut.com

"Your life is right now! It's not later! It's not in that time of retirement. It's not when the lover gets here. It's not when you've moved into the new house. It's not when you get the better job. Your life is right now. It will always be right now. You might as well decide to start enjoying your life right now, because it's not ever going to get better than right now--until it gets better right now!" ~ Abraham

"You can't feel others pushing you.

You can only feel yourself pushing back."

~The Sedona Method

Tractors

My Little Roommate

Every once in a while I have this realization that I have this little man digging through my cupboards and yelling his own version of the word Dad ("DA!") or Mom ("MAMAMAMAMAMA"). I happen to find LITTLE pieces of evidence throughout the day that remind me that I am housing, feeding, and ...oh, yeah... RAISING a little....being.

Exhibit A



There are these moments throughout the day where i chuckle to myself about how I have a little mini me in this world.



And sometimes I am astonished at how much he resembles his Dad.



I didn't even know robes came in little man size.



I like being reminded by these LITTLE traces of my little soul wandering around my house. Literally taking his first steps....taking a quantum leap in his own body, in his own confidence, in his own movement forward into his future.



He might be a little man...but he is already learning the art of scaling walls.



There is no little thing that get's overlooked...especially Mother Earth.



He is little. And he takes some big falls. But he practices every day on getting back up again.



In his little world, he doesn't sweat the small stuff.



But sometimes it's the little things that matter most.



He is wise enough to know when to ask for a little help...



...And when to do it his own little way...



He has plenty of little reasons to let his big achievements go to his head...




But he sure doesn't mind doing his little part to keep it real.



It's no big thing really. He's a little guy just generally enjoying himself and having a good time.

"Begin today to develop the habit of focusing on the consequences of all your beliefs. Are they strengthening your foundation by moving you to action in the direction you desire or are they holding you back?" ~ Anthony Robbins "Awaken the Giant Within"

Joy comes in bulk.

So when was the last time I posted multiple posts in a row? Like eons ago! But I am feeling inspired so we won't question it...we will just go with it!

I had the best grocery shopping experience ever the other day! First off, I went with my husband who is a really fun person to grocery shop with. He is really good at doing math in his head and can figure out what products give you the most for your money....he is like a human calculator. Second, he is a bargain shopper and that always inspires me to look for the best deals...because that is kind of like free money in its own way. Third, he is just fun and jonah loves it when his dad spins him around in the cart and chases mom down the isles.

So off to Good Earth we went...(the natural food store in town). We headed straight to their bulk section and spent some good time in there while sipping on our blackberry jamba smoothie. After walking out of there, we realized we had everything we needed (other than produce which we get at a produce stand on the way home). As we piled our food on the conveyor belt...i was grinning from ear to ear! No boxes! No sweets! Only bags and bags of organic bulk grains, flour, sugar, beans, nuts and coffee! I was proud. This food will last us for weeks....quinoa, black eyed peas, black beans, homemade pizza, rice....wholesome, cheap, and homemade.

Speaking of homemade pizza....for Jonah's first birthday I made me and dad some homemade spinach and mushroom pizza with homemade pizza sauce to boot! With my new kitchen aid mixer, it makes kneading pizza dough seem like child's play. I have been experimenting with different doughs...this dough is wheat flour, but I have also been using spelt which is equally delicious...that is if you don't mind having to add some honey to the ultra thick pizza crust! And instead of mozzarella (which I hope to someday be able to make from scratch as well) I used parmesan cheese. mmmmmm.....

Check out this majestic masterpiece!

For anyone in need of some pics for their vision board of a majestic home that they would like to manifest in their future...check out this blog...and you might just manifest your very own mattress protector while your at it!

dreamy...

Strawberry Heaven

This whole stay-at-home-mom thing is starting to have it's effect on me by creating some new and sometimes unexpected habits.

Well the first new habit that comes to mind is my child's desire to awake at 5am every morning for the past 2 weeks. This is causing mom to become a morning person for better or for worse! By the time 9am roles around, it feels like it should be lunch time already. Let's just say I am still adjusting.

The other new habit being created (and this one kind of excites me!) is that I am actually starting to enjoy cooking again! YAY! I seriously thought the wind was permantently gone from my sails when it came to cooking. I gave up trying to love it and questioned why anyone else would love it. Granted, when you are single, cooking can be laborious...and for what really? Well now that I have Jonah, it is of the utmost importance to me to feed him whole foods and locally grown.

So when I had the chance to go with some friends to a local farm and pick strawberries....well I wasn't going to pass that up!



This was Jonah's first experience with strawberries. I thought he wouldn't have any interest so I tried keeping him in his stroller while i gathered the berries. But after a few minutes I looked over at him and found him sliding out of his stroller! I plopped him in the dirt to play with his friend Ty...and that worked for a while....

Eventually Jonah's curiousity got the best of him and he found his first RED treasure! Oh he just had to put this thing in his mouth to test it out...

Then it was all over from there as this was apparently the best thing he had ever tasted in his WHOLE life! He started picking every strawberry he could find....

and shoving them in his mouth!

He just couldn't stop himself!

He was so focused on finding strawberries that he didn't even notice that he stood up all by himself for the first time!

While Jonah was in his own heaven, I found the most heavenly perfect strawberry there ever was!

Only to turn around and catch Ty and Jonan RED HANDED eating all the strawberries out of my strawberry bucket!

It was a great day and Jonah fell asleep on the ride home with strawberry dreams...

We are enjoying our 7 lbs of strawberries!

My Little Man....almost 1yr old!!!

Momentous Day

Today is worth remembering and recording for the history books.  

Today Rahu leaves my chart (or something like that).   For a simplistic explanation of what Rahu does or what Rahu means I will just quote (summarize) my astrologer:  "Rahu is the planet of illusion and dellusion.  You cannot count on anything..it can and will change from minute to minute.  This can affect career, living situation, health, money....you name it.  But I will give you a light at the end of the tunnel.  Rahu will shift gears in your chart on May 27th, 2009.  But until then, starting on May 1st 2007, hold on...you're going for a ride."  

A ride....yeah that is putting it lightly.  May 1st, 2007  I met my soon-to-be husband who happened to not live in the same state as me...so we met in the middle...Boulder, CO.  Hence move #1.  We fell in love and decided to get engaged 3 months later.  3 months after that my career takes us to Portland, OR for move #2.  So with a new career I begin my Oregon journey only to soon find out we were expecting Jonah Roo.  After we settle in to our new life...getting married along the way.....my husbands career goes through unimaginable ups and downs (like..."you've got to be f-ing kidding me" kind of ups and downs).  Finally his career takes him to Utah (move #3) causing me to leave my job (and my cats) and stay home with Jonah.  We move in to our new home thinking "Okay...this is it.  we are HOME."  Only to realize that our neighborhood was a little too shady for our comfort zone.  So we found a new place to live...and guess what?  The last day of Rahu in my chart is the day that I am packing to move into my new house (3 months after we just moved).  

For 2 years Rahu has maintained a level of chaos in my life that was quite unimaginable until I actually lived it.  I am here to say that I did survive Rahu.  Somedays were questionable.  I wouldn't necessarily invite Rahu back in to my life for another 2 year stay...although I must say...I have a wonderful life now.  My little snowglobe-of-a-life got shaken up pretty good.  The flakes are finally settling and I am so looking forward to the most boring life there ever was.  

THE END

OF RAHU.

THE BEGINNING...

"My work is deeply fulfilling....

Today I give my best to that which I do, knowing that when one experience is complete, I am led to even more fulfilling  and rewarding experiences."  Louise L. Hay

Mother Earth Day

"The planet is some kind of organized intelligence. It's very different from
us. It's had 5- or 6-billion years to create a slow moving mind that is
made of oceans, and rivers, and rainforests, and glaciers. It's becoming
aware of us, as we are becoming aware of it, strangely enough.

"Two less likely members of a relationship can hardly be imagined -- the
technological apes and the dreaming planet. And yet, because the life of
each depends on the other, [we have] a feeling towards this immense,
strange, wise, old, neutral, weird thing, and it is trying to figure out why
its dreams are so tormented and why everything is out of balance."
- Terence McKenna

Turning the Page...

i haven't written a post in a long while.  i keep pulling up my blog thinking i am ready to write something and then too much floods to the surface and i go blank.  strange how that happens.  and then i have begun to ponder if i should even keep this blog going...or perhaps start a new one?..a fresh lens to peer through...a new window to peer through....what do i see....

.....a beautiful castle.....a strange land.....uncertain surroundings.....dreamy backdrop....a traveling circus....animal-free zone.....sunny days....a go-cart.....seedling friendships.....a budding community.....a morphing identity.....a new role.....a crawling little being....a re-connected connection....

i wonder how i came to exist behind this glass.  how did it all change so fast?  so fast i had little time to react....there was little time to hold on....and now here i sit in a reality created by me...the artist.  every little piece i dreamed of in some past daydream and now i sit among it all.  it's not without its sacrifies.  sacrifies for a life where i can be more of who i am in my ever changing scenes.  sacrifices....  

....there are still moments in the day that haunt me.  my feet under the blanket searches for that warm purr.  i lay quietly in bed listening for their scurrying about.  no greeting at the top of the stairs.....that unconditional furry love.....

  "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it." ~Ferris Bueller

i look at my life as it were a book....made up of a beginning, an ending, and chapters in between...characters....and an author of course.  the new chapter i have embarked upon is one that i hoped would come...one that i have been in anticipation to write.  and the chapter that ended is full of happy endings and gratitude for having been able to create such a beautiful tangent.  

a new page has turned...this one...a traveling circus....a beautiful castle in a strange land...morphing identity....more blank pages to create.  i think there is a good story waiting to be written.  stay tuned.  i will do my best to stop and look around once in a while to share as i peer out through this glass. 

Excerpt from "Money and the Law of Attraction" The Teachings of Abraham:

" Time to tell a New Story  

My Old Story is about....
- things that have gone wrong
-things that arent the way I want them to be or think they should be
-others who have let me down
-others who have not been truthful to me
-not enough money
-not enough time -how things usually are
-how things have been all my life
-how things have been lately
-others who just dont understand
-others who dont make an effort
-worry about my health

My New story is about...
-the positive aspects of my current subject of attention
-the way I really want things to be
-how well things are going
-how the law of attraction is the true manager of all things
-abundance flows abundantly
-how time is perceptual and endless
-the best things i see
-my favorite memories
-the obvious expansion of my life
-the amazing or interesting or wonderful aspects of my world
-the incredible variety that surrounds me
-the willingness and effectiveness of so many
-the power of my own thoughts
-the positive aspects of my own body
-the stable basis of my new body
-how we all create our own reality
-my absolute freedom and my joyous awareness of it."