"Keep walking, though there's no place to get to.

Don't try to see through the distances.

That's not for human beings.

Move within,

but don't move the way fear makes you move."

~Rumi

Gentle Tapping

a constant gentle tapping on my shoulder

a constant nudging to look behind me

i turn around and no one is there

i grow agitated at this invisible someone or something's unyielding attempts at getting me to turn away from my life and look in another direction.

like a detective, i find my way through all the clues

little bits of sadness

pulls of jealousy

sensations of falling into that void that isn't yet filled

memories remind me of better times

finding frustrations with the picture that i've painted

and i begin to find myself staring at me in the shadows.

me.

gently tapping.

constant nudging to turn away and look at who else i am.....at who else i was.

me.

in the shadows.

not living her full life.

ashamed she let those moments of bliss fall away

guilty that she isn't content with the moments that are hers now.

what do i do with this girl who beckons me towards a dreamy life?

is she calling me towards something more real than this life i live now?

can i trust her to lead me down the path towards my Self?

will she ever come out of the shadows?

can i bargain with her to join me now?

can i persuade her that now is enough?

do i follow her promises of bliss?

i turn back to my life now.

gentle tapping.

constant nudging.

i turn the volume down.

but i have looked.

i know she is there.

waiting.

beckoning.

i take a deep breath and push forward

learning to live with the nagging feeling that something else is out there for me.

or is it?

Love Letter

i dreamt of you.

in the darkness you appeared

it felt out of no where and yet somehow

in the vastness of time and space

you found me.

i found you.

a forgotten connection pulled us together

and falling into our arms

i remembered us.

all this time

beyond this time

there will always be us.

you spoke what i couldn't face

what i felt i had to push away

out to the farthest reaches of my body space

you walked into me

and pushed what i already knew into the outside of me

and there i was exposed since the first time of our last goodbye

i finally saw me in you and you in me

as you wept for the pain of my choice that rippled us apart

leaving us to find our way back through lifetimes

years have passed and i felt nothing of the rift i created

how long have you been searching for me in the darkness of this life

only to wake me up to that pivotal moment in our journey

where after searching through the sands of time

we found each other.

my mission was lost when i slipped away a long time ago.

you found my shell

and i hid away from you and from me

the rest is history as i walked right past you into the rest of my life

on my great quest to find you

and i left you to search for me again

i had no idea until you appeared in the darkness

and revealed what i already knew deep inside

Receiving

I recently taught a yoga class where I asked my students to explore their own yoga pose; to allow their bodies to speak their needs and to follow that guidance. Once they found their pose I asked if they could give their full awareness and presence to the pose so they could be open to the gifts that were present for them. Then I asked:

Can you RECEIVE these gifts?

It's one thing to notice the presence of gifts being offered whether it is being offered to you by someone else or whether something like nature or a simple yoga pose is offering the gift.

But CAN you receive?

Do you know you are important enough to receive the gifts?

What does it feel like to receive?

When someone gives you a compliment, do you allow yourself to receive it or to you bounce it off of you by shrugging it off with some comment like "Oh thanks so do you!" or "Oh this dress is so old" "Oh anyone can do it it's no big deal" etc. etc. etc ?

In bouncing off the compliment (gift) you turned back into the giver so ultimately you never received at all. In giving you maintain control because you get to decide and manage how much goes out of your floodgates. But what about when we open those gates fully to just receive? There is no control in how much comes to you. And odds are it might be more than you were prepared for or felt you deserved.

Are you love-able....enough?

How do you receive emotional support from others? Think of those times in your life when you felt emotionally raw and vulnerable. Were you able to receive support from those you love most? Did you even expose yourself completely and honestly so your loved ones could give you the full support you needed or did you downplay your emotions? Were you controlling how wide your gates opened?

How do you begin to receive? How do you begin to take yourself out of the driver's seat of giving, reliquish that control and allow the gifts to flood in to support you?

You deserve all those gifts that are just waiting for you to open the door to them....

......to pause......

..... and to just say "Thank You."

Gather the courage to open the gates. Open your heart....to your Self.

The gifts may feel uncomfortable at first. The rush of the flood may feel overwhelming...maybe even heart-stopping. Your chest may tighten and breath may come short. Your urge may be to react in an act of preservation to control what is coming to you.

Start small. Allow little bits in until you find a sense of acceptance that these gifts are here for YOU to receive. Bring yourself into conscious awareness of when these gifts are presented to you. Notice what comes up for you in your body, your mind, your emotions, your energy.

PAUSE.

TAKE A BREATH.

MAKE A NEW CHOICE.

Open the flood gates.

Take a step back.

Open your heart.

And RECEIVE.

Riding the waves

it's not okay anymore

to sway back and forth

according to someone else's tide.

i've been drifting away for far too long.

those moments where i thought i was anchored~

futile attempts at acceptance~

where the water was like glass and i felt like i was still

but i was still adrift.

a storm comes and i roll with it.

i topple over.

i drown.

i gasp for air

and grasp for light.

i return to the surface only to get pushed down again

this isn't my ride.

i feel despair in myself when i can't keep my head above their waters

my legs kick as if my life depends on it

why is this not enough?

i'm tired of pretending to be responsible for another's emotional experience.

to join in on the tossling of their energies

and to think for a second that it's somehow mine too

an arrogant thought that perhaps my presence alone can take on some of the brutish ways of their waves

that in this action i provide a drop of relief in their sea of unsettling.

it's time for me to dive below the surface of the waves coming at me from this way and that

move deep enough to gain a sense of my own surface of glass

where other's waves dissipate into small ripples that eventually fade before finding their way to my center

it's time i let go of my need to endure another's rocky waters

and find acceptance with the me who isn't sinking under another's view of me

it's time i release the need to feel like i am only valuable when i am swimming for my life in another's storm

other's waves may try to come and find me

and i will fight like hell to not be swept out to their sea

i sense some angry storms from those who relied on me to be there

to take on their energy surges

i'm diving deep into myself and will learn to find my worth there in that place

it feels lonely and unacknowledged by vast seas that are searching for me

but i am hiding from them now

and finding myself

and this is enough.

i thought it was under control

all pushed down for no one to see

not even me

a delicate plan to not care

an intricate strategy to stay on course.

today an earthquake ripped through the center of my soul.

a crevice so vast I feared it's edges.

i was standing far enough away but I had no idea of what was to come

what felt like a slight shake slowly built...and built...

i thought i had it all under control

without warning

the crevice opened as if it were looking for me..to swallow me whole.

i was found.

i slipped.

clawing at the edges that i once feared and praying they would save me now

i fell.

something tore me apart that night.

unable to withstand my delicate plan, my soul shook under the pressure

and the weight of it all revealed the truth

down in my dark abyss

i fell.

along the way

i cried.

moving through a backwards timeline i relived the truth

and i saw with tear filled eyes.

a trembling in my bones led me to the beginning.

a house.

a window.

a connection to a soul who wandered away.

realizing where the tremors began so long ago

i cried.

five.

that's when i lost him.

my switch flipped

i turned off.

waiting at the window for him to come again

i remained.

off.

untying the ribbons that bound our souls

i moved with gratitude.

and cried with sadness.

climbing through the darkness

i spin.

off my axis.

my delicate plan has lost its gravitational pull

and i wonder where am i going?

It's time...

....to dive a little deeper....

It's been almost 2 years since i last posted anything on my blog...in fact, it's been almost 2 years since i opened my blog to the public.

a lot happens in two years.

what has happened in your world the past two years?

even if your external world looks the same,

there must have been something that sent your internal world on a quest to find your Self... even more.
it's inevitable.

we are changing.

i needed these last two years to come closer to my Self.

and i feel i have made a success out of my journey...so far.

i am ready to share my own triumphs and revelations again.

it's time for me.....to dive a little deeper...

our lives are all different but i believe there is a common thread that connects us all.....

we are all striving towards a sense of happiness, contentment, peace.

and.... it's not "out there"....

it's a journey only to be discovered from within.

see for yourself...

so where are you in your spiritual undertow?

Or are you still waiting ashore?

no better time than NOW.....

time to take that leap....

back into the undertow....

So what is the spiritual undertow? its finding that current that resonates with who you are. this current is strong and may take you away faster than your prepared for. but once it finds you....once you find you....you will be swept away into your vast potential... dont be scared if you look back and find that have been separated from all others who gave you a name. dont be scared when, in a panic, you try to swim back to the place where your feet could touch the sand bar that you thought was the ocean floor. it was an illusion. you cant touch this floor. you just have to believe that it is there. you dont get to see what is waiting for you in your depths, it will come upon you just when you thought you knew......And as you bob up and down wondering when you will arrive?- you wont even notice that you are being carried by your own destiny currents....and every wave along the way is a ripple from that butterfly far far away...... and every storm comes from your own imagination- so you dont get too comfortable in your view..... dont try to touch the bottom.....you may find its not there..... dive under and open your eyes to see what will be your next obstacle....at your own risk.....is it better to know?.....or to wait?...find your comfort in the stars as they shine pin points of light in the darkest of waters. and remember that even the sun can hurt you if you find its rays comforting for too long. and how hard will you laugh when all this time you have been cursing the gods for not sending you rain to quench your thirst - and you realize you have been surrounded by abundant waters all along?.... its the ultimate balancing act. dont swim too hard. dont stop swimming. find the current to keep moving forward. how do you know when you're off course? this is the spiritual undertow. do you have courage to swim past those buoys to find your spiritual undertow? and now that you know its out there- can you stay ashore pretending that yours isnt waiting for you?

the tree in fall

i was the tree in fall

bright, vivid, beautiful.

i was the tree in fall

yielding to the adventure of the seasons' change.

i was the tree in fall

standing strong in my conviction to take the step others feared to take

i was the tree in fall

watching the others drop their leaves on at a time.

i wondered if it was their fear of shedding completely

or a savoring of what was and no longer wants to be.

i wanted my moment to be beautiful and dramatic....

proof that i was here and i was alive.

i was the tree in fall

yellow, shining as if i were the sun.

in a moment i chose my dance

my bright, vivid, beautiful leaves shimmering.

in a moment i let them all go.

i was the tree in fall

and i was beautiful in my moment of fall.

my yellow, shining leaves danced around me

as they all fell to a green yet chilled ground....

all falling to find their new place as my old life.

i stood as the tree in fall

with leaves bright, vivid, beautiful showering my view

as i stood on the edge of my seasons' change.

i was the tree in fall

beautiful falling leaves as the children danced in my bright vividness.

my yellow shining leaves were my glory

and my moment was glorious.

i was the tree in fall whose beauty for turning and letting go was noticed....

and then forgotten once my soul was bare and vulnerable.

my dance was over.

my moment decaying on the green yet chilled ground around me.

i was the tree in fall

who feared the unknown storms to come.

i was the tree in fall

who wondered when my beauty would return to my bare and vulnerable branches.

spring is on the horizon

my soul waking from its' dormant slumber.

how many winters have past since my beautiful dance among my yellow, shining leaves...

when i knew i was the sun?

i wonder if i am the tree in fall

whose buds will bloom in spring....

nature's trusted dance.

will i be bright, vivid, beautiful again....

yellow, shining, knowing...

i am the sun.